Broken Promises For Broken Hearts
So I see, my note that i went on vacation with boyfriend and broke up during it, caught a lot of attention, but what weirdo i must be, when it seems almost normal to me!?! Here`s what happened.
Few days before we will leave, I said to D., that Camerado is pissing me off and for one moment i was asking the Shakespearean question :"2 go or not 2 go!". But since, generally, we were able to talk about anything, I thought to give it a try and see what will happened.
Now, I would also like to say that, day before we`ll leave , D. and P. got 2gether!! So there u have, 2 couple, one about to break up and the other just started! Generally the trip , the 1st few days, were countless number of times when I had to take the deep breath and count 1,2,3...! It was very clear to me that this guy needs some deep and big changes if he intents to have something serious w/me. I don`t know about you, but for me, going on a holiday with boyfriend is not a big deal, I`m not Bridget Jones on this one! But the problem here was the attitude and opinions this guy have on life, people and such stuff! This was something I`ve realized few weeks before the the trip, but I wasn`t sure about, thinking that maybe it`s too early to tell, maybe I got it all wrong, so let`s just go to that trip and see "the real deal". And my oh my, what a disappointment, day by day! I am not going to talk about anyones bad peculiarities, mostly because I still feel somewhat angry and betrayed and therefore I am not in position, yet!!!, to think clearly and objectively, but, just to add tragedy to comedy, he didin`t even have the courage to face me sober when he started the conversation how "this thing" is not going! And, to add an extra emotion to it all, he wanted to fake in front of the rest of the crew so they don`t feel bad and bizarre!! Wait a minute honey!!Where were you when I was telling you I don`t give a shyte what other people may think of me and that there is no middle ground with me!?!?Ah, boys! You were staring at my tits, weren`t you?:) Anyway, of course I said no! And that was it! We broke up cause we both realized that we are not for each other! No hard words, no fighting, arguing or anything! He`s looking for someone to amuse him while me, when it comes to relationships looking for someone who is on the top my game, on my level! The next day, we went to beach and I swear, it was the best day we had since we came. But what happened at the end of it added some extra spices, from my side, to this crazy story! I went on a date!! This guy was hitting on me, and he is nothing more but pure summer adventure, I was free, a bit sad so I thought , why not! Beside, I know C. wont mind me!How can he! He doesn`t give a shyte about me, he already brag about some new girls (PAY ATTENTION: PLURAL!) he met...therefore, go girl! And yes!I did it! I went out, got back around 2AM, was OK! Nothing happened, cause I didn`t want to and couldn`t go that far, I`m not that much of a blunted, ok!?:) And guess what?!? All of a sudden I was accused being a cold hard bitch who wanted revenge and went out on purpose just so I could prove ...something!! Aha, and if I was a boy, I bet in 100$ that I would be so cool, eh? No, none of this crossed my mind, I haven`t even thought about how he or even other may feel, I was only concern about my self, so I can only be accused for being selfish, if that is a crime in situation like this! And that`s about it! From that "day after I went out with someone else" till these day, there is a small grief about how it all turned out in the end, but it will fade away, as it always does.
And just to make it clear, I will NEVER EVER again date this guy, any time soon:), cause he really, really needs to change for something like that but then HE wouldn`t be HE, also , I would feel very bad and ashamed of my self if I would do that!And that`s the main point! I am aware that tolerance and changes are indispensable in any form of relation but what is most important is how much are you willing to change and why you want to change and how do you feel about it all! And there was and is nothing about this guy that made me look at my self and say "This part of me needs some changes", quite opposite, this was an experience that showed me that I am not sooo fucked up as I thought, that there are some limits in mine "don`t bug me" attitude and that I am really totally clean and open for new experience.And there is another one thing that crossed my mind, while I was writing this text. I can not, for the life of me fathom, understand, why we try to chase what we once had with someone? I used to do this, but dating with this guy made me realize aforementioned conclusions! This thoughts came up because the last two guy I dated had some unsolved issued with ex! One was still fighting the feelings the other was facing the fact that he`s fucked up and can`t commit himself to anything stable. I used to believe and hold tight to the idea of "one day" until I realized that my time, my life, in waiting "for one day to happened", passing me by much faster than I can percipient. So I decided to let go off it by understanding and accepting all good and bad I did back then. All mistakes I made, all wrong turns I took, brought me to where I am today. Every relation that broke, every try after it, sometimes 5 years later, to fix it, was a broken promise. When something is broken it is broken for good. Cracked relation can be saved, cause they still have some strands attached to it, while broken once leave the languishing air in the space between the two persons. And what you breath in can be woozy, and mostly it is, but what you breath out is your life!
Few days before we will leave, I said to D., that Camerado is pissing me off and for one moment i was asking the Shakespearean question :"2 go or not 2 go!". But since, generally, we were able to talk about anything, I thought to give it a try and see what will happened.
Now, I would also like to say that, day before we`ll leave , D. and P. got 2gether!! So there u have, 2 couple, one about to break up and the other just started! Generally the trip , the 1st few days, were countless number of times when I had to take the deep breath and count 1,2,3...! It was very clear to me that this guy needs some deep and big changes if he intents to have something serious w/me. I don`t know about you, but for me, going on a holiday with boyfriend is not a big deal, I`m not Bridget Jones on this one! But the problem here was the attitude and opinions this guy have on life, people and such stuff! This was something I`ve realized few weeks before the the trip, but I wasn`t sure about, thinking that maybe it`s too early to tell, maybe I got it all wrong, so let`s just go to that trip and see "the real deal". And my oh my, what a disappointment, day by day! I am not going to talk about anyones bad peculiarities, mostly because I still feel somewhat angry and betrayed and therefore I am not in position, yet!!!, to think clearly and objectively, but, just to add tragedy to comedy, he didin`t even have the courage to face me sober when he started the conversation how "this thing" is not going! And, to add an extra emotion to it all, he wanted to fake in front of the rest of the crew so they don`t feel bad and bizarre!! Wait a minute honey!!Where were you when I was telling you I don`t give a shyte what other people may think of me and that there is no middle ground with me!?!?Ah, boys! You were staring at my tits, weren`t you?:) Anyway, of course I said no! And that was it! We broke up cause we both realized that we are not for each other! No hard words, no fighting, arguing or anything! He`s looking for someone to amuse him while me, when it comes to relationships looking for someone who is on the top my game, on my level! The next day, we went to beach and I swear, it was the best day we had since we came. But what happened at the end of it added some extra spices, from my side, to this crazy story! I went on a date!! This guy was hitting on me, and he is nothing more but pure summer adventure, I was free, a bit sad so I thought , why not! Beside, I know C. wont mind me!How can he! He doesn`t give a shyte about me, he already brag about some new girls (PAY ATTENTION: PLURAL!) he met...therefore, go girl! And yes!I did it! I went out, got back around 2AM, was OK! Nothing happened, cause I didn`t want to and couldn`t go that far, I`m not that much of a blunted, ok!?:) And guess what?!? All of a sudden I was accused being a cold hard bitch who wanted revenge and went out on purpose just so I could prove ...something!! Aha, and if I was a boy, I bet in 100$ that I would be so cool, eh? No, none of this crossed my mind, I haven`t even thought about how he or even other may feel, I was only concern about my self, so I can only be accused for being selfish, if that is a crime in situation like this! And that`s about it! From that "day after I went out with someone else" till these day, there is a small grief about how it all turned out in the end, but it will fade away, as it always does.
And just to make it clear, I will NEVER EVER again date this guy, any time soon:), cause he really, really needs to change for something like that but then HE wouldn`t be HE, also , I would feel very bad and ashamed of my self if I would do that!And that`s the main point! I am aware that tolerance and changes are indispensable in any form of relation but what is most important is how much are you willing to change and why you want to change and how do you feel about it all! And there was and is nothing about this guy that made me look at my self and say "This part of me needs some changes", quite opposite, this was an experience that showed me that I am not sooo fucked up as I thought, that there are some limits in mine "don`t bug me" attitude and that I am really totally clean and open for new experience.And there is another one thing that crossed my mind, while I was writing this text. I can not, for the life of me fathom, understand, why we try to chase what we once had with someone? I used to do this, but dating with this guy made me realize aforementioned conclusions! This thoughts came up because the last two guy I dated had some unsolved issued with ex! One was still fighting the feelings the other was facing the fact that he`s fucked up and can`t commit himself to anything stable. I used to believe and hold tight to the idea of "one day" until I realized that my time, my life, in waiting "for one day to happened", passing me by much faster than I can percipient. So I decided to let go off it by understanding and accepting all good and bad I did back then. All mistakes I made, all wrong turns I took, brought me to where I am today. Every relation that broke, every try after it, sometimes 5 years later, to fix it, was a broken promise. When something is broken it is broken for good. Cracked relation can be saved, cause they still have some strands attached to it, while broken once leave the languishing air in the space between the two persons. And what you breath in can be woozy, and mostly it is, but what you breath out is your life!
